I wanted to share, with the author's permission, this thought-provoking piece that delves into a topic that is often overlooked in our society. The author's words resonate deeply as they shed light on an experience that is universal yet rarely openly discussed.
The exploration of themes surrounding sex and intimacy brings to the forefront a reality that many of us will inevitably face in our lives, sadly all too often sooner than we anticipate. By addressing this subject with such candour, the author invites us to have a much-needed conversation.
It is through honest and open narratives like this that we can begin to break the silence and stigma surrounding these important aspects of human existence.
Widows Fire - Is This A Real Thing ?
Yes, its very much a real thing. Becoming a Widow/Widower... ( a title I actually dislike ) we've endured profound loss, not only of our soul mates, best friends and life partners, but also of our intimate moments and physical affections.
Grief creates a horrible emptiness and seeking physical comfort to fill that emptiness is normal. However, not all of us will be emotionally ready for a committed or casual relationship.
Sexual bereavement is very much a form of grief, and one that no one is willing to discuss. Missing sexual intimacy after the loss of a partner is completely normal and should not be something to be ashamed or embarrassed about.
This unspoken emotion is known as ‘widow’s fire,’ a phrase describing the strong desire for sex following bereavement. It is a natural and normal part of the grieving process.
When it comes to engaging with a new partner, there is no set time limit or expectation as and when to explore intimacy after loss, or for when the time is right to take the first leap of faith to lose their “widow virginity” so to speak.
Engaging into a relationship with a new partner can be daunting at any stage of life. However, after the death of a partner, that feeling can become more heightened. but, it can also go the other way, where some people have become more interested and adventurous in their sexual needs and wants.
It has been proven too, that widows/widowers have also discovered new kinks or fetish’s, something they may have never experienced with their former partner. To find a new source of pleasure is new, exciting and for some it can be liberating.
In particular, widows and widowers face a multitude of challenges, not just physically but emotionally when it comes to dating again or the thought of being intimate with a new partner. However, the positives often outweigh the negatives, and I am certain that their partners, much like mine, would not want them to not live and enjoy life again.
Some widows and widowers that I know and have spoken to about this have said that starting again with someone new fills them with absolute fear and dread, but they are also wanting the thrill and excitement of trying new things with their new person.
For me, personally, there had been no intimacy for several years. This was due to my partner’s prolonged illness and the medication he was on, which significantly reduced our chances of having an intimate relationship again.
About 18 months after his passing, I started to wonder if I would ever experience intimacy again with anyone else, and how I would I navigate my way around that, if and when that time came. I also struggled with losing my self-confidence and body image.
While researching online, I discovered Sensual Bodyworks website. After thoroughly reading through it and the detailed, positive reviews, I contacted Jool’s to initially have a conversation with him, about me, my circumstances, but more importantly I needed to be sure that if this was to be my starting point in finding me again, I needed to trust him if I was putting my body in his hands, especially taking those first tentative steps in regaining any sort of normal again.
I knew instantly that Jool’s was the right person to help me rebuild and regain everything I had lost. The journey hasn’t been easy, I've faced many unpredictable emotions, doubts and challenges, inclusive of guilt and self loathing.
However, thanks to Jool’s kindness, patience and compassion, I have been able to regain my confidence and self worth and I have emerged feeling on top of the world and for the lack of a better word, I feel normal again, especially after my time spent with Jools.
But I had soon come to realise that I hadn’t actually lost anything, due to the circumstances I was in with my partners illness, intimacy had been pushed to the back of everything else until the time was right for me to rediscover any sort of intimacy again.
What I will be like when it comes to becoming involved intimately or otherwise with someone new is unknown, however I do know that the care, compassion and kindness that I have been afforded from Jool’s, I am certain I will be just fine (I just need to stop worrying about things I don’t need too, especially if they have not happened yet).
So for those of you who are on the same journey as me, I will leave this little thought with you all... “ Never let the sadness of your past, and the fear of your future, ruin the happiness of your present”
I wish you all so much love and happiness for the future, take care of you and remember to be kind to yourselves always.
Much Love Always Jools and Thank You xx
Widows Fire discussed on BBC Woman's Hour
As part of Listener Week we have been asked by widows to discuss one side effect of bereavement – hyper-arousal, and the term ‘Widow’s Fire’. Nuala McGovern explores these ideas with listener Lizzie, Stacey Heale, who has written a book – Now is Not the Time for Flowers - about her experience of being widowed, and also by the psychotherapist Lucy Beresford, who can shed some light on what might be going on.
Listen here https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m00224jv
Widows Fire Dating Sites
There are now a number of so called Widow's Fire dating sites catering to widows and widowers who are experiencing the intense desire for intimacy, companionship, or connection after the loss of a spouse. These platforms provide a safe space for individuals who understand the unique emotional challenges and desires that come with being a widow or widower. Difference betwwen these sites and other dating sites include:
Niche Community: These sites specifically cater to widows and widowers, creating a more empathetic and understanding environment.
Privacy and Safety: Many of these sites focus on privacy, understanding the sensitive nature of the members’ experiences, and often provide options for discreet or anonymous profiles.
Supportive Environment: The communities often include support groups, forums, or blogs where members can share their experiences, advice, and encouragement, offering emotional support alongside dating opportunities.
Focused Intentions: Some sites cater to different intentions, whether it’s casual dating, companionship, or finding another long-term relationship, allowing members to find matches that suit their current needs.
Sensual Massage and Widow's Fire
Sensual massage can be a therapeutic way for widows experiencing Widow's Fire to address their intense physical and emotional needs without necessarily jumping into traditional dating or sexual relationships. It is a reason that some people visit Sensual Bodyworks. Benefits of Sensual Massage for Widow’s Fire include:
Physical Connection Without Commitment: Sensual massage provides a way to experience physical touch and intimacy without the complexities of dating or the emotional commitments of a new relationship. It can be a gentle way to reintroduce physical contact into your life.
Emotional Healing and Stress Relief: The loss of a spouse can create significant emotional turmoil, stress, and anxiety. Sensual massage, which often includes slow, gentle, and mindful touch, can help reduce these feelings by releasing oxytocin (the "feel-good" hormone), enhancing mood, and creating a sense of peace and relaxation.
Reclaiming Body Awareness: After a loss, it’s common for individuals to feel disconnected from their bodies. Sensual massage allows a person to reconnect with their physical self, helping them to rediscover sensations, pleasure, and comfort in their own skin.
Releasing Pent-Up Tension and Grief: Touch has the power to release emotional tension stored in the body. Sensual massage can help release suppressed emotions, including grief, through physical touch, allowing for a healthier processing of these feelings.
Non-Sexual Intimacy: Sensual massage can provide a sense of intimacy without it being explicitly sexual. It allows for close contact, warmth, and comfort, which can be deeply satisfying for those craving connection without the complications of a new sexual relationship.
Rediscovering Sensuality: Widow's Fire often involves a complex relationship with one’s own sexuality. Sensual massage can be a way to rediscover sensual pleasure in a controlled, safe, and healing manner, helping to rebuild confidence and self-esteem.
To Incorporate Sensual Massage Safely, seek out therapists who specialise in sensual massage. Some therapists are also trained in dealing with grief and can offer sessions tailored to emotional as well as physical healing. Other considerations are:
Clear Communication: Clearly communicate your boundaries and comfort levels. Professional therapists will respect your needs and ensure the experience is positive and consensual.
Massage from Trusted Partners: If professional massage feels too intimidating, massages from trusted friends or partners can also provide comfort and relief.
Self-Massage: If you’re not comfortable with others, self-massage with oils, lotions, or gentle touch can also be therapeutic. It’s a way to connect with your body and fulfill some of those needs independently.
Important Considerations
Emotional Readiness: Make sure you're emotionally ready for this kind of touch. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed; listen to your body and take things at your own pace.
Establish Boundaries: Whether with a professional or a trusted person, set clear boundaries to ensure the experience is safe and comfortable.
Sensual massage can be a deeply healing experience, helping to address the unique challenges of Widow’s Fire in a gentle and supportive way. If you’re considering this path, ensure that you choose a safe, professional environment that respects your needs and boundaries.
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